


Within the Crack

by Dodo



Series: Quest for butts [2]
Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-15
Updated: 2015-09-11
Packaged: 2018-03-30 15:10:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3941440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dodo/pseuds/Dodo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is just more within the quest for butts cannon; snippets of things that happened during Spy crab's magnificent quest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. plenty of fish

**Author's Note:**

> Sometimes I'll specify when the events happened, These are probably going to be out of order. thats how I write.  
> also including Soy Crab which is you do find please notify me so I can dispatch that imposter  
> http://i295.photobucket.com/albums/mm121/phycs/doodles/soycrab.png

Many things had happened in his time at the red base, his favorite times though would have to be the down times. where he as a crab could observe the team in its natural habitat. He was usually always in the back seat and he didn't mind. No longer being much of a spy he was content to just enjoy the comradery that the Red team seemed to posses.

One such thing had been the demo becoming sober; which was a daunting task, having spent most of his life under the influence becoming sober in a matter of weeks. with the aide of the Medic of course and the ever patient Pyro. That became the Demo’s best buddy. Even if he was just sitting on the couch watching the silly cartoon that pyro liked to watch, the Demo seemed to put drinking behind him.

Now anytime a brown bottle was in his hand it was most assuredly the sarsaparilla soda that Engineer loved, and he was almost always around those two. Working on gadgets or creative art bits, and even new weapons. They would even attempt to come up with strategy, spy crab chuckled to himself they were not very good at it.

With their combined cunning in the weapon department they managed to come together and make Pyro’s dreams and birthday party come true. That was of course to be a fire breathing dragon. the outfit was a tartan hoodie. Demoman had employed all three stitches he knew to make the monstrosity out of an old kilt, complete with floppy wings. Engineer had helped modified the flame thrower to make it look more dragon like. Spy crab had added the eyes and painted on details to the metal.

Spy crab spent some time with Demo usually in the evening while he was hunting for bait in the dirty canal. He was of course rewarded with minnows, that were far more filling than the heavy’s bread crumbs. The Demo caught on, and any time Spy crab stopped to enjoy the thick scottish brogue, he was often rewarded with bait fish. Much to his enjoyment.

The tiny fish were used by Demo every Sunday, he would take Pyro and sometimes Engineer down to the place off the base, where the river widens. To a rather feeble ancient dock. Which Demo had managed to patch up some with spare wood and nails. There he fished, Engie enjoyed the past time, bringing his Sarsaparilla soda and a spare bucket on the off chance they could catch something edible, and large enough.

Pyro had a very soft spot for fish, and while Pyro was very much the catch and release sort of person; rather catch, snuggle, then release. They had no trouble with eating the fish as long as they weren't included in the prep. Demo also had to remove the hook from the fish, in fact pyro just seemed to like having fish. more keen on throwing bits of crumbs they'd saved probably from the Heavy. That russian was one messy eater. 

So pyro would basically save scraps of food that weren't fed to Spy crab to the fish, which helped guarantee a catch at least once every time they went out. the fish it seemed though were far too small for eating. 

Spy crab had briefly entertained them on one of the outings; however a rather precocious gull had made the outing terrible. it was constantly trying to eat him no matter how many times pyro chased it away, the other two decided it was best not to have him along, which he was grateful for. Though he was certain if he had pushed to go pyro would have brought along their flare gun to remove that gull. There was no doubt in his crabby little mind.

So they fished and it had become a bit of a trend with the Demo and Pyro, Pyro had a large collection of fishing things, either for fishing or just collecting and using as room decorations. Specially those jelly worms that were sparkly, one very red one had become Pyro’s character in the board games. When soldier was in a sharing mood to let others touch his precious game boards.

On such day as this, pyro and demo had returned from fishing early; something about the river being rather low. So to spend the time Demoman decided to engage the Soldier Spy crab had witnessed the Demo play chess with the Soldier, a rare site the man normally played with his shovel. Demo had asked that Solly not use his shovel’s wisdom in the game since he was rusty at it. Solly agreed, for he was barely a match for shovel in games of the board. Pyro had waited patiently for Demo to be free of the game, with the Engineer out to town for the whole day, the fire starter was without their wingmen.

eventually hovering too close to board, and at one point hit the board causing it to jostle the pieces. Pyro had whimpered behind the mask when Soldier turned towards him and even Demo looked concerned at the impending tirade.

“AFTERSHOCK!”  
Solly roared and flipped the board over scattering all the pieces. He stood up and smoothed his uniform that he always wore, proudly proclaiming the 6 ‘p’s every time someone pointed it out.

“what’ch want to do now firebug?!”  
A less loud shout that was ended in laughter, Solly was pleased. Spy crab watched in interest on pyro’s shoulder. as the strange trio headed out to shoot off fireworks at the blu base.

“I need to get a firework launcher! put some pride in the blus!”  
Demo rubbed his chin, that wasn't a half bad idea, better than the dress like aliens and invade the blu plan he had last month. Spy crab just watched the arrogant display of exploding metal bits as pyro clapped and danced to the chest jarring booms.

the range the Solly shot at would probably knock out himself with his own weapon. though the strobe light fireworks were much like his own camera and may actually sufficiently blind the enemies. Engineer could probably modify something that would work it would be up to Solly to figure out the change in battle movements. Which was a good thing since he was the most strategically inclined in the group.

“Hoo-Ha!”  
Solly was thumping his chest at a spectacular red, white, and blue explosion. He whirled and grabbed Pyro’s hands and they started to dance. Spy crab was thankful that pyro had handed him off to the Demo. Watching the spinning and kicking of the dance, it made him nauseous he looked back at the explosions.

“Well I’ll be!”  
Demo snorted at the Engineer. Pleased that the southerner could see some real jazz dancing accompanied by his timmed rigging system. A cold drink was pressed into the Demo’s hand as the Engineer sat down to watch the show. Demo joined him as they watched the two perform flashier dance moves under the fireworks.


	2. Burds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Archimedes centric cloaca sex abound

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was from a small 100 word blurb, I doubt I will write a whole story about archimedes and his similar quest yet not so innocent quest of cloaca conquering. I may write another companion piece for the parrot that the blu medic has but for another series thats up to any of my readers you'all are welcome to try. 
> 
> the next chapter will have less dirty birds hopefully. I'm really bad at saving everything in one neat spot >.>;

Archimedes was a sexy bird, if there was psychology for birds he would be an insatiable sexual deviant. Alas there is no such thing! He was allowed to reign free, luckily the Red medic has lots of tail for his needs. However he was not satisfied the girls were just a distraction to his goal which was conquered all the tail ever. seduce it make love to it and leave it high and dry when the babies came. Archimedes was no father, medic paid his child support in form of food every morning. His deviancy was without punishment.

His quest budding, he cooed to himself plotting his devious plots. He fluffed up and checked out his back side, glorious of course! there was that pesky crab he didn't like it so much it had no tail and the back side was fully armoured. It was suspicious of Archimedes, just like that angry wind bag soldier. He just wanted to bask in the glory of that man’s ample penis and possibly rub his cloaca all over it. Thwarted by the human, at least the heavy didn’t mind and the Medic was practically eating out of his wing. He got belly and butt massages from his medic. The crab was a pest though. He pecked at it avoiding the claws, such a slow inferior creature. 

He puffed himself up, cooing deeply and then fluttering towards it he managed to mount it. the rough shell gave him some hold but there was nothing to grab with his beak to perform the thrusting. He bounced on the crab a bit attempting to get off on the thing as it ran sideways. into a door and out, Archimedes rode on it he would never back down from a conquest.

Until the shovel made an appearance followed by the tone def soldier defending the crab’s honor. he fluttered to safety, miffed at the two. Red was not a safe place to sate his needs, the crab had done nothing for him. all that effort, he flew back to the medbay to find a pretty lady to fix his current problem. 

He made a choice and went for Curie the pigeon, she was normally the most receptive of his advances. He was sure it was because he made her feel pretty and not because she hardly felt his ministrations, and she never had eggs which was always a plus, eventually he’d have to kill off his male offspring as they would encroach on his tail. Flying gracefully over medic’s head he landed next to Curie on the window sill.

-  
There it was playing out before him the most beautiful romance Red Medic had ever seen. Archimedes was there crooning deeply as he fanned out his tail feathers and puffed up his body, hopping closer to Curie the rock dove. pulsating his croons with the puffing of his body, white feathers with a slight touch of rusty red, made him look quite dashing. In a quick hop and delicate flutter Archie was on top of his mate, caressing the neck with his beak the tender brush of cloacas happened while he beat his majestic wings. The Birds looked extremely smug at Medic's slack jawed expression. They returned to preening each other as if nothing had happened.  
-

Curie picked at a few of Archie’s tail feathers, cooing deeply. this is what he liked so much about this rock dove she was almost his equal in the insatiable tail quest. He obliged her with another mounting, they did not have an audience but it really didn’t matter Red Medic was hardly considered an audience, he was more of a poor flightless bird being taught in the ways of sexy time. Archimedes was sure if he was man sized the heavy would leave the medic for him; after all his cloaca could easily take heavy's girth unlike a certain german. 

Curie pinned him, he had dawdled too long and now she was power preening him. Using her wings to keep him lower to the ground. He hissed she was not his mother! he could preen his feathers just fine, that hurt! he pulled away hastily, squinting at the other, Curie looked pleased and settled down back in the sunbeam. He probably sat too long on her back.

His grandiose quest having taken his bird brain far off to la la land, he really need to see if it was possible to have sexy times with humans, otherwise he’d be stuck bamboozling the crab when he could and maybe taking advantage of the blu medic’s grey parrot, a query most fine, the fluffy soft grey feathers with the vivid red tail feathers. that would be a fine call, even better if it was under the Blu’s nose. Humans though, he wanted all the tail, humans had strange tails their cloacas were slit in the other direction he wanted to try it. Just once, if he like it more of course he let out a lofty coo exciting himself at the possibility of such a thing. Curie was giving the one evil eye, she was trying to sleep. he fluttered away lest she attempt to pin him down and pluck his feathers out. She was a sweet sweet temptress of pleasure and pain. Best to keep her pleased, he traveled through the halls looking for something.

there sparkling on the shelf in the Engineer’s room a golden shiny calling his name. tiny nuggets of australium, Archie followed the bird mind and consumed two small grains of the shiney, upon landing. He was on his third when the Engineer caught him and chased him out of the workshop. Safe in his crop, he had the shiny so he was the shiny. landing on a rafter he paused trying to think of what he was thinking before the shiney.

Yes the quest for tail! the red tail at the blu base! Blu! yes he would entrap the minds and tail of all the blu’s it would be safer than his home, with the crab and the rest of the crab concubine they were impervious to his charm, it was their fault they had fallen for the hardly appealing water spider. He slipped out and open window and headed off towards the blu base, time for some reconnaissance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please notify me if this reads odd, I have no beta


	3. crumbs all over the goddamn floor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this occurred a few days prior to ‘i spy with my little eye’ in the butt quest cannon

A shipment train had come in finally much to the relief of the entire team, apparently the supply trains were just as shoddy on the Red team as they were the Blu team. With no correlation between winning and reward. This train had everything on it from new weapons to food, and hats but those were esoteric and only the scout seemed interested in the hats that came on the train.

Spy did not take those useless american hats with no style or taste. Being unique wasn’t a must in the spying field, in fact it was a detriment. He did however have a terrifying mask that he would at odd times wear to scare the Scout and the Demo. He hadn’t recently scared either after the last time where the Demo attempted to behead him; in a fit of superstition and binge drinking.

Pyro made friendship hats, and would bestow them upon the teammates randomly. Soldier was extremely proud of the cardboard boat hat, he wore it frequently into battle. Demo had a fish like hat, Engine had something made out of wires, Heavy had a paper mache hat that looked to be a sandwich. Sniper aided Pyro in making his alligator head hat, which ironically was the first hat pyro ever made. Had to learn from the best, Medic never wore his swearing he got more head shots due to it. though he made sure to wear it during cease fire where pyro could see it being worn.

Even if they were mercenaries it didn’t mean that had to hurt each other’s feelings. They lived at the same building, becoming friends or staying as mutual acquaintances had far more perks than being at odds with each other.

Spy crab noted this as well, a strange dichotomy considering the blu side had been little more than a squabbling hen yard. It was better to be here, which at first he would have never even thought. Now he had reservations about the Reds but overall the pros seemed to outweigh the cons.

So food had come, and the sniper was fixing up the main meals and rations for the mercs. He was in charge of this task as he was the best for it. The Medic helped in planning out the meals making sure every meal had the required nutrition to carry their team to victory. they usually managed to spread the food out so they had a few days of overlap for the supply train. This time the food had run out and the sniper had hunted for their meal a weak rabbit stew had provided enough fuel for an additional day.

That was all they had needed, thankfully. 

there was a collective unloading, personal food items like candy bars and soda were hoarded away promptly by the team. Soldier stuffed his jacket with ration bars and stuck around to help with the crates, every time he squatted a ration bar or two would slip out. Mostly to the amusement of Pyro, whom was helping Engineer unload the weapons.

Spy crab wandered down the halls, Heavy was doing mass sandvich production under the watchful eyes of Medic. He paused next to the Demo, checking out what was in his stash. Scrumpy a whole crate of it. He wore a bittersweet smile, as he lay his hand down for Spy crab.

“you know there was time that this here was my happiness,”  
He looked at spy crab, then back at the crate.  
“at least I can make bombs out of it, Pyro would like’em.”

He place spy crab back on the ground and picked the crate back up. It was nice to see vices abandoned. spy crab’s cigarettes had to be abandoned due to situational problem, Demo cleaned up his act and was staying off the bottle because he now had, what he lacked in the first place that got him started, friends.

Scout was guzzling a soda, with Engineer looking on disappointed. The young man had no sense of delayed gratification, he’d been complaining about the weak tea, reused tea bags and other water flavoring devices. Now he was chugging down his second soda, he would probably run out of his bonk quickly.

Spy crab attempted to figure out what Medic’s personal items was, he already knew most of the others. Sniper stereotypically had vegemite, which he stockpiled and no one barr the Soldier ate the stuff. Spy had cigarettes and magazines of illicit nature. Pyro got an eclectic bunch of items, from art supplies to glue sticks for the hot glue gun, the only glue fit for a pyro, and occasionally books.

Medic Held something flat against his chest and hurried from the personal item crate. Spy crab followed, loosing sight of the other quickly do to walking sideways like a dumb crab. He cursed his crabby appendages, looking around. He spotted a crumb on the ground, which he dutifully ate. leaving food around was how one gets ants after all.

 

He only hoped the person leaving the trail of crumbs wasn’t going to try and use them to retrace their steps because Spy crab was eating the trail. snickering at the thought of a lost merc trying to find their way home, inside the base no less which was home.

The trail predictably led to the medic’s work lab, and the flat package the medic had rushed off the train was placed neatly on his desk, the shower was going and spy crab decided he could investigate. the pesky dove was no where to be seen, no doubt off porking some hapless article. Spy crab had noticed that sort of recreational habit of that particular bird, shoes. hats, half eaten sandwiches, his own caprice, anything and everything was fair game to that bird; Disgusting.

He climbed up the desk, with the help of colored ropes hanging off the desk. Up he went, carefully going and once upon the smooth flat of the desktop he realised the rope was in fact elaborate string. Embroidery, the packaged was a hoop with a screen no instructions around. the medic’s personal item was not music sheets for his violin but embroidery supplies. how peculiar though with a bit of retrospect Spy crab recalls precise stitching on the soldier's hand from an accident with a band saw, elaborate details on pyro’s stuffed unicorn. Possibly all touches of the Medic’s hobby, whether the man made images of guts in embroidery or flowers, all the power too him. It triumphed the heavy’s collection of jazz vinyls as strangest personal quirks; but failed to bypass sniper's abject horror of tomatoes.

There was a bang from the shower, and spy rb turned instinctively and immediately regretted doing so. For there was a naked heavy carrying medic fireman style sopping wet from the shower and luckily straight into the personal rooms. Spy crab left as quickly as he could, as loud moans started up, he cursed his crabby luck.


	4. Shuvel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *aftermath of privates

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there is implied sex here between a man and shovel I didn't write it as I'm unsure how to tag it
> 
> also making the sexy burd medic a separate standalone story because I'd like to appropriately tag that shit, not be like surprise 5th chapter has bestiality in it.

With the new friendship of the soldier spy crab found the team to be a bit more tolerable. While he wasn’t too keen on sitting in on one of the lectures of war for the gumpless heads, too many flies and they always came over to bother him. flies in his eyes, too much yuck in one time period. The heads were moldering skulls in some cases.

All very much yucky, though now he had a comrade against that pesky archimedes. He didn’t much like the thing on his dick, claiming the only bird that had permission to touch him there was the bald eagle and lady liberty, but she of course knew better to touch it, according to him. She had better things to do, like protect freedom.

Fascinating ideologies, from quite an unhinged man. Spy crab watched thoughtfully at the other as soldier leaned over the table to yell at sniper for not eating his vegetables. Sniper was having none of it, the red tomato sat untouched arms folded.

“it's a fruit, mate and I ain’t eating it.”

“in america it's a fruit! grown with freedom!”  
loud was his only way, slamming his hand on the table the tomato quivered slightly.

“nah, it's the devil’s fruit, tricked some bigwigs into selling at as a vegetable to evade tax.”  
Sniper responded quietly, eyeing the red thing disdainfully. Soldier was quiet for a moment thinking.

“sounds like something those special interest groups would do, are you a fruit?”  
He jabbed the red tomato in question, it rolled over satisfied with the answer. He took the plate from sniper and left it next to the bananas fruits belonged with fruits. He returned scooping up spycrab, taking the small crustacean towards his room.

On the floor lay an abandoned twister mat, along with various other games. the cherished shovel was tucked neatly into his bed. it was resting, needed some rest before it could be used in combat. He had recently been using the pick axe to keep the medic off his ass. Wanting nothing to do with the man that trained his bird to molest people in such a way. 

Spy crab witnessed the man on many occasions talking to his shovel, an oddity yes but considering the demo had proclaimed that his eyelander spoke to him during bloodshed, not far from this range of normal. After all he was a self aware crab, he couldn’t really say this was all that strange and not be hypocritical of his own existence.

in the corner on the floor rested a flag that soldier had confiscated from the scout, spy crab scuttled over to it to inspect it. It looked like a bastardization of the union jack, in the garish red, white, and blue. Scout had claimed one of his brother’s had sent it as a joke, apparently he ranted a lot about soldier in his letters home, sending the confederate flag was sending a slap to the face. now it lay covered in dust in a corner touching the ground, like dirty laundry.

“that? Crab I’m not sure how to get rid of that unsightly thing. burning it would be too good.”  
he came from the side and kicked it a bit of the fabric frowning. It needed to go, he was tired of seeing it, united states not north central america and south central america. He rubbed his chin in thought.

 

“confederate flag is the LOOSING side ninnies that couldn’t do their own work, the nazis didn’t get to keep their flag why should the south?”  
he yelled at the flag as he used his pickaxe to spear it and drag it out of his room, anti patriotic it was and therefore had no place in his room, not ever. Spy crab followed him out of curiosity how was solder going to dispose of such a symbol. The man marched straight to engie’s room and started cutting the flag into small squares.

Engineer managed a quiet snort, observing the ritual quietly.  
“I’ve been needing some better rags,”

 

Soldier puffed up.  
“best use for this sort of thing!”  
His cutting resumed and was more eager in the cutting and not so much precision in the squares once it was reduced to scraps, soldier picked up a few red ones and embarked towards the medic’s area. For red was better since the medic could reuse them more since they would blend with the blood. 

The logic of the soldier was quite a beautiful thing spycrab thought whimsically as he listened to why red scraps would be better for bloody rags. the medic gratefully accepted the rags, and offered a cup of tea in return which was immediately shot down, along with nervous glances around the area for the bird tormentor.

 

“tea is for dumping in the harbor! Must be off I have shovel time!”  
Personal shovel time, medic frowned but and nodded.

“yes, personal time is very important,”  
with that soldier made his way back to his room, he however refused to let spycrab back in.

“have to make things right with shovel, being mad over that stupid bird, see you later crab.”  
the door clicked shut and spycrab lingered near it for a bit, he was aware of the man whispering sweet nothings to it on and off the battlefield. Curious of the whole thing was a facade or actual thing. can one fall in love with inanimate objects?

his mind wanders to a young lass in his younger years that had fallen in love with her own toy. Yes you could love an inanimate object and based on the noises coming from the soldier’s room it was a similar love that the girl held for her vibrator. He scuttled away from the door, and right on top of the sniper’s shoe. his first conquest, the sniper looked at him a moment before shaking his toe gently.

of all his captured butts, sniper seemed to be the most suspicious of him, or it was the presence of non threatening creature that had him spooked. He raised a claw and clicked at the other as he moved off the boot toe.

“pyro is going to burn that tomato, would you like to watch it?”  
The bushman crouched down, with a palm out to spycrab, which he accepted. Walking silently out, a nice change from the usual chatter that most of his rides had a penchant for.

“takes a while, at first I wouldn’t commingled, but now I do since soldier and pyro won’t leave me alone anyways. comrader isn’t much for snipers, but it's nice. like to think it helps in combat too. probably just being too romantic about it; but if this gets pyro to burn all those tomates I’m in.”

Spycrab was placed on a rock and sniper sat next to him as he spoke, almost reluctantly. a finger patted his back he let the sniper do it, it didn’t bother him one way or another. clicking at the combined force of pyro and soldier could make friends out of just about everyone, or charred remains.

Pyro popped out from behind a nearby rock wielding a flamethrower with gusto as they advanced upon the disgustingly red turncoat fruit. the thing did not last long, and after the fire burned out spycrab was whisked off by pyro, for something else. leaving a happy aussie surveying the charred remains of a deplorable fruit.


End file.
